Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Caper's Last Tale

I mentioned my partner Caper in the last post. I worked with him for half a year, and he was probably the only good thing that's come of all this. He was my constant. So I want something to remember him by. Something that I can come back and look at and say 'that was Caper'. This is the best I could come up with:

Caper was born Jerome Herwitzmeyer. His father was an alcoholic, and at the age of fifteen he ran away and took to the streets. He tried begging at first, but he never seemed to get much money at it. He never managed to get very good at stealing. So one day he was fishing for food in the back of a McDonald's when he saw a little girl who was crying. Jerome went up to her, and told a joke to try and calm her down. It worked. The girl stopped crying and actually laughed a little. After a few more jokes, he found out that the girl was lost and he helped her find her parents.

After that, Jerome had a brilliant idea. He stood himself outside of a metro entrance, and he began to tell jokes. At first he wasn't particularly funny, but he spent time perfecting his art. Soon, more and more people started stopping to listen to the homeless comedian. He got enough money to eat well enough, and he just kept on working on his material until one day without realizing it, he became the funniest man in the Universe.

Although Jerome didn't realize how funny he was, others had. In the far corners of the galaxy, there was a race of aliens that ran an interstellar comedy club. The problem was, their jokes weren't actually funny. No one was coming to the club and the aliens were slowly going destitute. So they scoured the galaxy and finally found Jerome.

One day he woke up and found himself tied down. He looked around, and saw these beastly creatures running around with tools that he didn't recognize. One of the things took an oddly shaped instrument and put it in a... a very uncomfortable place. Suddenly, he felt a sucking sensation. And then he realized that he was feeling less funny. The aliens were stealing all of his humor.

About halfway through the process, all of the lights in the bright room went out. Jerome heard odd noises but was still tied down. The lights came back on, and the room he was in was somehow a dark green. Bodies of the creatures were everywhere, and right in front of Jerome was a man without a face wearing a business suit. He held out his hand, and the restraints untied themselves.

Since then, Jerome became Caper. He worked for this man. His partner was a girl who suffered from amnesia. He helped her create a new life and together they became the best agents the world had ever seen. Also, they had a pet velociraptor. Until one day, he was instructed to kill a woman. He got to the place where she was supposed to be, when he realized that it was the girl he had helped out so many years ago. So Caper left the girl, bought a flamethrower, and confronted the man that he had worked for.

The battle lasted for three days, and several buildings were leveled in the process. However, Caper was victorious. With a final yell, he burned the tall man to bits. However, his former boss had expected one day that Caper would turn against him. He had installed a chip in his heart years ago, and activated it with his dying breath. Once activated, the chip would explode ten minutes later and take out the city. So Caper knew what he had to do. He went to the harbor and prepared to jump in and save countless innocent lives. Before he did, despite having only half his humor, he turned to his partner and told the greatest joke of all time.

I can't believe I just wrote that.


  1. ... I didn't know him, but from what I've read, I think he'd like it.
    I think that's the best eulogy I've ever read.

  2. I'm so sorry he's gone but... this is the greatest eulogy ever written. I am so jealous of this masterpiece. He would be proud Poe. He would be so proud.

    And he would be laughing. Like. Really hard.

  3. That was amazing, Poe. Caper would be proud.

  4. As a matter of fact, it was an incredible story, Poe. It's a good eulogy to a good person.

  5. I'll be honest, Poe...I don't know if that lifted my spirits or brought them crashing down.

    I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. You really must have loved him. I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this.

    Also, if you need me to come over to keep you company or something, I'd be glad to. Not, you know..."keep you company," nothing like that, but...I don't know, I guess just provide some comfort.

    Aaaaaand the foot goes back into my mouth....

    -Don't Shoot The Messenger-

  6. The part about the little girl he'd helped before sounds more true than the rest. Would you happen to have an opinion on that?