Remembrance

The Messenger here.  Paying my last respects.

I'm not going to call this a Report.  After all, she's not actually dead.  But Poe...Annabel...whoever she was...she's still gone.  I didn't kill her.  But I killed who she is.  And I think that might be worse.
I loved her, and I killed her, so the least I can do is remember her.  Not as Annabel, since that's ultimately what ruined her.  But as Poe.

The first time I actually spent time with her was after Caper's death.  We bonded over a death.  Guess that shows how messed up our type are, huh?  We couldn't get to know each other until someone died.
She always wore those dresses.  The Gothic Lolita ones.  She explained the style to me.  I told her I thought Lolita was about pedophilia.  She wasn't happy.  Tried to explain.  I told her I was just joking.  That I liked the dresses.  And I did.  They looked good on her.  I guess...I kind of missed them when she stopped wearing them at the end.

She had an amazing memory.  Whenever she told me about things she went into such detail.  When she told me about books or movies or blog posts she could recite them from memory near flawlessly.  I would stop her.  Tell her I only needed the basics.  I feel terrible about that now.  I never told her how impressed I was with her memory.  I only asked her if it'd always been that good.  She said that it was ironic, but she couldn't remember. 

She wore her hair in bunches tied up with these ribbons and it always looked really cute even though she always looked so sad and I just wanted to see her happy.  I only saw her happy when she tried being Annabel and when she was drunk.  Which I guess might have just been Annabel sneaking through.  Her smile was so forced otherwise.  It was like she was trying to be happy through the pain, but the pain was still there.  and it hurt.  I just wanted to see her happy.  And I did but I don't think it was worth it now.

There's so much I'll remember that I could say.  How soft her skin felt.  The way she looked at everything so analytically and pulled all the parallels and symbolism and subtleties out of it right away.  The sound of her voice.

That smile.

But there's too much of it.  And it really doesn't need to be said.  They're the personal ways I'll remember her.  They're how I knew her.  But it's clear now that I never really knew her.  So I shouldn't tell you how you should remember her. 

Remember her how you want to.

Take a moment and do that.  I think she'd like that.  Even if you didn't like her.  Because that's how you saw her.  And I think she'd want to be remembered as you saw her.

I'm sorry, Poe.

I'm sorry, Annabel.

I love you.


I'll miss you.

-Don't Shoot The Messenger-