It's done.

I am not proud of what I have done. I have lied to Messi. I have lied to all of you. I have caused so many deaths, even when I don't give the killing blow. This time I did.
Screwtape is dead. I killed him myself. I do apologize for lying to you all about the runner I was protecting. There was no runner. I just had to make Screwtape believe that there was. The coordinates led to a place I had been scouting out for some time now. It's in the middle of nowhere. No one ever came there. Muad'Dib would fly me there every once in a while and I would plant traps. Some were simple snares, others were a bit more malicious depending on how much pain Screwtape had inflicted on me that day. I wasn't really sure if I would ever use it. I wasn't sure if I was capable.

Then I saw Donovan's head.

I really wasn't myself for a while. However, when I came back I knew what I had to do. I also knew how to do it. Screwtape never did think much of me. He always thought of me as stupid. When I posted a thinly veiled code on my blog, he didn't think twice about how easy it was. I had him exactly where I wanted him.

I can't believe I did it.

By the time I got there, he was waiting for me. Stuck in a hole, praying quietly. He looked up at me when I approached. "Hello there Raven." He said to me, "So this is your grand revenge plan? Rather typical of you, I must say." I didn't say anything. Just took a gun and shot his kneecaps. He didn't show his pain much. He said nothing, actually.

I jumped down into the hole and pulled out a knife. We both said nothing. I could have just slit his throat. That's what I should have done. I didn't want to. Instead, I caused him pain. I wanted to pay him back for everything he had ever done with me.

He didn't fight back. Perhaps it was because of his knees being shot. Yet I had the nagging feeling he still didn't take me seriously. He seemed to think I couldn't hurt him. Maybe he thought I was just too weak to do any damage.

I showed him otherwise. Zombie told me that he didn't believe in revenge. That his skills were meant to heal, and he hated how much that had been perverted. He let me watch anyway. I knew exactly where to cut to make it hurt most.  I slammed him against the walls of the hole until his bones broke. I bent his fingers back and pulled out his teeth. I did everything I could think of. Eventually the pain became too much. He started screaming. Then he stopped, and for once I saw fear in his eyes. It didn't last long, and was soon replaced with something else.

That's when he started laughing.

It shook me for a moment. Then I continued cutting. I couldn't stop. Even though Screwtape seemed to be ecstatic. I just needed to cause him more pain. I hit and I cut and I rubbed dirt into the wounds. I was out of control. I didn't want to be in control. I finally stopped. He was a bloody mess in the middle of a hole, still laughing. I can't get the sound out of my head.

"Thank you father." Screwtape said, "Thank you for letting me see. You truly make no mistakes." then he coughed and smiled at me. "Welcome to the family, Poe."

I snapped his neck.

I guess I'm posting again.

There has been a lot going on. A lot of things that I don't really want to talk about. Zombie tells me that I need to, though. Not all of it, of course. Just enough to help me deal with things. Prevent me from going back to where I was.

Donovan's dead.

Screwtape sent his head to me in a box. Zombie is the only reason that I can talk to you again. He's been very patient. Very kind. I was gone for a while. It was just like it was before. I can't really remember much of it. When I'm like that, everything shuts off. I'm no longer anyone anymore.

I think that was what Screwtape was trying to do. Break me. He always told me that I didn't deserve awareness. For a while, he took it away from me. He miscalculated my friends, and how much they'd go through to help me.

Saved by the power of friendship. This hardly seems the place.

Even now, I am not completely back to normal. I still feel... hollow is the only way to describe it. As if not all of me is here. It's hard to concentrate and nothing feels truly... real. Zombie's helping me. So is Messi, as much as he can. I just don't know how long I can hold on to myself.

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